Sunday, 26 April 2015

Problematic Families

I received two asks on my Tumblr within the space of a week about family, and i think it's time to talk about it.
Families are very tricky things to discuss, everyone's family is different but i can most certainly tell you one thing. Every family has problems. Whether it be that you have an aunt who's into drugs or your cousin is a sex addict. Perhaps your father has been incarcerated or your niece has severe depression, every family will have that one hidden secret that only the family knows about. Some families, much like my own have several. Dozens of problems that can make or can break the family. Recently, my family faced a massive problem when they found out about something i was doing which i'm ashamed about and regret ever doing it but i did and i have to face up to that. For a while, just over a year i'd been purposely self-harming. Again, i do not condone this behavior and if you are feeling like this at all please talk to someone my contact details will be at the bottom of this post if you feel you don't want to talk to a professional or a family member etc. When my family found out it was a massive shock to the system for them, tears and anger a plenty. But we did get through that day of course it was a huge hiccup in the relationships between sister and brother, daughter and mother and even the partnership between my mother and step-father. But with communication we got through it. That is my first tip for everyone when it comes to family. Communication is key, if you don't talk to your parents, there's no way they can know how you're feeling. No one is an open book and although you may portray your emotions not everyone understands the signs. So the best option is to talk, whether it's about something like your day or if you're feeling like you're in danger of yourself. It's important that you have that free communication.
My second tip is trust. Something which my family lacked for many years after my step-brother left. He was the mainly problematic member of my family, with his wild attitude and want for danger and rebellion, it meant that anyone who could be under his influence wasn't really trusted much. Which was myself and my older brother. Neither my mother nor my step-father really trusted me for a while because you could argue i was going through that typical 'rebellious teenager' phase, where you don't go to bed until you want to and you don't go to the place you'd been told to stay at. There's this little park near my home that myself and one of my friends used to go to every time we hung out together but my mum didn't like it so she told me it was banned, i still went of course and that resulted in multiple groundings until eventually i learnt my lesson.
My third tip is to try and forget the problems until you need to think about them. It may sound stupid but it's actually really good. See people retain their problems for an amount of time which is over the top. You need to be able to let go and think of other things. Many other things are important, so for example if you're about to sit exams focus on those rather than the fact you think your parents might be splitting up, it means that although there is still the chance at least at the current time you're distracted by something other than the problem.
My family life is pretty messed up, i live in a group of four, my mother, step-father, brother and then myself and although we get along quite well, there is running problems within us. Stuff that cannot be helped. My step-father for example, he has bi-polar disorder as well as severe depression, some days he feels like the world is against him and talks about suicide and others he feels like the world is with him and talks about his and my mothers upcoming nuptials. His past has influenced his present and his future much like mine and my brothers. My brother lives with anger problems, he lives with constant anger because of what happened to us. My mother is probably the strongest one of us all, as the only 'problems' she has with her are stress and age related. Then there's me, because of my past mixed with my present and future i have problems that i hate to admit to. This is where tip number 5 comes in, don't do this. Don't keep things to yourself, linking in with communication it's best to talk to people. You shouldn't have to face things alone, it't not healthy and can lead to things getting worse and no one wants that. The repression of problems can cause dangerous side effects for example; high blood pressure, an experiment from way back in 1988 proved that people who repressed any emotional turmoil had a higher blood pressure than those who are highly anxious (repression article). So please don't do this, think about your health and the health of those around you.
Many people forget something when they see the problems that their families are going through, and that is that no matter what your family will love you. There are seven kinds of love; Eros (which is romantic or sexual), Agape (love of humanity, contributing), Philia (feelings part of a group/team), Ludus (playful, fun and exciting love), Philautia (self-love, bigging yourself up, being kind to self), Pragma (Love that endures/being there) and Storge (family love. Relations or very close friendship) this love is also known as unconditional, meaning that no matter what you do you will always be loved or you will always love. Although families do fit into several of those categories the main one that people see is Storge otherwise known as unconditional. So whenever you're thinking of a problem that your family is going through think of that.
I cannot say a lot about a lot of things, because i'm not sure on a lot of things. Although my family is problematic we're it in different ways to most, all i can really say is be positive and talk things through with whoever you want or can. I don't know what it's like to have a family member imprisoned and i don't know what it's like to have a mother or father die. But i know a lot about other things, divorce, abuse etc. are things that i'm in knowledge of but please don't hesitate to talk to me about anything, at all it doesn't even have to be related to the topic of problematic families. People are here to help for a reason, and those reasons should be taken advantage of (in the right ways). Below will be several wesbites for companies and organisations who can help with family problems, and honestly, i'm sorry to anyone who is going through anything at the moment. Keep your head up high and talk to people.

Family Lives
Support Line (these are really good, and i would recommend fully)
Get Connected
Elder Wisdom Circle

I really hope this has helped the two anons from Tumblr, as i hope it has helped anyone else. Thank you all very much for reading.


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