Growing Up or Grown Up...?

Something that has been poignant within my life for a while is the thought and the concept of growing up. Recently i attended a comedy gig of Geordie funny man Chris Ramsey which was actually entitled 'All Growed Up' which despite the terrible grammar really spiked me into thinking about growing up. A main theme within his stand-up was when do we really know when we've grown up? Honestly, neither he nor i have an answer to that. So naturally i turned to my friends for help and surprisingly they didn't come out with bogus and stupid ideas, for example, Matthew, my only male friend, said; "I don't think you know (when you grow up) because it happens so gradually, like other people would see it but because you're yourself every day so you naturally don't notice the change... Like I know I'm more grown up than I was a year ago but I don't feel like it all the time. Like people think you're young until you hit 18 and then suddenly you grow up but you never stop growing up really, do you?" and as a response to the question 'Do you think you're all grown up' he replied; "Nope, I mean I've started growing up but it takes years. Decades even." The answer in itself seems insanely profound but it's understandable and relatable. See it's a question that no one really knows the answer too, because maybe it's one of those personal things, where everyone has their own perception of what the definition is and when it begins or how it begins.
I think one of the most defining moments of being grown up or at least realising for me that I was in the process of growing up was when i realised that coffee and energy drinks weren't just a 'drink for fun' kind of drink they were a necessity for my everyday life, because without them i'd fall asleep during a lesson or now-a-days a lecture. Things like this are why everyday you expect to feel more adult, more 'grown up' but in reality it's not a constant, it's more of a spurt out of no where, where you notice the change, you notice a quality that you previously would've only seen in people older and more mature. The other day i sat worrying if my student finance would see me through the semester, this alone is something i once only saw as being that typical 'grown up' thing to do, so does that mean i am a grown up? No, because what about all the other aspects of life. I still live with my parents, i depend on my mum for my washing, ironing etc. I get my best friend to dye my hair and i spend money on frivolous things like cookies and Irn Bru. So, is there a criteria to being grown up? Perhaps, i mean if i look at someone and they don't tick all the metaphorical boxes i have i don't really see them as a grown up. If they're under a certain age even if they do tick every other box i still don't see them as a grown up. Therefore, that must mean there's a difference between being an adult and being a grown up.
This has been quite a short post but it's something that i hold quite close to me what with growing up being quite a poignant aspect within life at this current time.

Thank you all very much for reading and i hope you enjoyed my little review and breakdown and maybe you check out her music and here is how you can get in touch with me if you ever want or need to.
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P.S. I will be posting a review / lyric breakdown of 5 Seconds of Summer's 'Sounds Good Feels Good (Deluxe)' album which was released on 23rd October 2015 next week (hopefully) so look out for that.

The end of the beginning and the beginning of the end... and a little update.

This week was the start of my new life as a full time University student. As many of you know from my multiple posts about myself i'm naturally nervous and this week was no different, well it was actually, my nerves were worse that ever before. This week started off with me having to go to registration and enrolment, both of which i'd done online meaning all i had to do for the day was go and get my free travel pass, which has an insanely embarrassing photo of me, which is the most up-to-date picture i have of myself. Of course, the week started off in typical me fashion, as i didn't have the freshers subject specific timetable, therefore meaning that i had no idea where i was going and resulting in me missing my first load of talks, which incidentally were one of the most important as we were to find out whom our personal tutors were, something i'm still to find out even now. However, Tuesday went better as i received my real timetable as well going to my subject specific talk and choosing my course modules. Which took little time and meant i was waiting around for a while but i honestly didn't mind that as i was able to find my way around the city. Wednesday i didn't do anything as there was nothing scheduled accept the completion of the work i'd done the day before meaning i thankfully had the day off as i was already completely tired from the previous two days. Thursday was much like Wednesday accept i did have to get a form signed from the head of my department, otherwise known as the faculty of education and society. Unfortunately however, they weren't available so i went home without the form signed. Friday, today, I had the final introductory meetings with the staff and students that will be with me during my course. A lot of information was given during the space of the hour but honestly, i feel really positive about university, i mean i'll be in tens of thousands of pounds debt but i feel as though i's going to be okay. The reason i called this post the end of the beginning and the beginning of the end is because university is the beginning of the end of education but at the same time this week is the end of the beginning of my university life, as of Monday i will no longer be a 'fresher' i'll be a first year student to a further educational institution and that makes me happy. I suppose you could also say this is the end of an end too, as it's showing that I'm no longer the child i once was, i'm not going back to primary school or secondary school or even sixth form. I'm 18 at university and in a mere three years i'll be a graduate looking for a job in the bog bad world.

So, as i mentioned i started uni but alongside the start of uni is also my student finance and i am happy to announce that thanks to the government ( at the one thing you've ever done right) i have now joined the righteous group of macbook owners. I bought a macbook air and this is my first post written on it, which i'm sadly excited about. Also i did my favourite thing ever, STATIONARY SHOPPING, where i got the deal of a life time i.e. i got a pack of 20 sharpie pens which should've been £20 but was in fact £8.99 which i was ridiculously excited about. Also, on Tuesday me and my friend Emily met up and had a nice McDonald's lunch together, which is something we haven't done in a while and was nice as we got to catch up over the stuff we'd been doing all day and all the things that we had planned for the week as well as gawping over our campus ID's and how my face look corrugated in the photo. Like i said it was nice to have that time to just hang out. So that's my little update for this week, i've decided to try and update often with things about my course as a perhaps window into everything as well as help for people who may think about doing the same course as me when they go to university. Thank you for reading and i hope you all have a wonderful day/week.
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Eleven Tips I've accumulated.

So, recently i spent a lot of time looking back and thinking about all the things that have gone both wrong and right in my 18 years of life, and eventually decided to put my mishaps and my successes to good use and create ten top tips for my peers and perhaps even some superiors.

1. If you don't feel good about it, DON'T DO IT. No matter what it is it's not going to be good if you don't feel right about it, whether it's something like going to the park or if it's something like having sex. It doesn't matter how pitiful or how major the thing is. If you change your mind that's fine, just remember that it's your choice, don't feel peer pressured into doing something.

2. Use your time productively, i know this is easier to say than to do, but trust me as someone who barely scraped into University being productive is something i wish i had been. Yes, take down time, watch a movie, go crazy and hang with your friends but don't do it too often and make sure your homework is completed before you do. You'll instantly regret it if you don't. Procrastination is all fine and well but when you realise that the piece of work you put off doing would've been really helpful for the test you're having you'll regret it wholeheartedly.

3. Listen to your parents. This is one of the most cliche things to say but really, you'll thank me later on in life. Parents always have good advice from who you're dating to who your friends should be. I know i made a huge mistake with one of my friends when i was younger and my parents knew it was wrong but i still went and did it, now looking back i really wish i'd taken their advice and saved myself a whole load of time. Older siblings are also really good with this kind of thing, especially when it comes to school. Don't pass up free advice just because you don't think it's necessary at that time because at some point sooner or later it will be necessary.

4. Be who you are, even if you don't think others would be comfortable with it. I don't pretend to know how people who are still yet to come as as being homosexual, or transsexual etc. feel but i do know that i'd rather see the true person than the person who they're pretending to be and masking themselves behind. If a person cannot handle the true you then you shouldn't have to handle them.

5. You won't always get everything you want. Unless your parents are extremely rich there's a high chance that you won't get everything you want. You want a laptop, camera, phone and clothes for Christmas? You might get three out of the four. Circumstances change, and unfortunately modern times have led to more redundancies and 'laying offs' than ever before meaning there's more chance of your mother or father no longer being able to keep their job, or if you have a job there is a possibility that you'll lose it. Like my mum has told me since i can't remember how long ago "Money doesn't grow on trees".

6. Tell your friends and family you appreciate them and love them every so often. Growing up i realise i never told the people i cared about that i was appreciative of them being there for me, i didn't tell my family i loved them and i definitely didn't tell my friends i loved them. When i got a new and better lot of friends i realised that this was wrong, and now i tell them and my family i love them on a regular basis. Which probably sounds ridiculous and clingy but you need to let people know that value and cherish the people in your life, and that they do mean the world to you, because good friends always should.

7. Bathe. I've gone through what feels like a centuries worth of mandatory education and in every year there has always been someone who smells like they haven't bathed in a while, and while i don't like to offend or point it out it's not pleasant for people around them. So try not to be that person and well... wash, at least three times a week.

8. Don't take advantage. Things that you expect to come to you, the food you eat, the shelter you'r living in and the water you drink, should never be taken advantage of. Others don't have these things and the fact that for so many years before i would almost exploit these simple things makes me hate myself that little bit more. Possessions, are just one of the things you shouldn't take advantage of, people are the second. It disgusts me that there are people in this world who take advantage of others. Just don't do it. Appreciate the little things in life, from the new album you bought to the voice your mother uses when she tells you to get to bed, there's a chance that at some point they won't be there one day.

9. Try and make time. There's no such thing as a 'too busy' schedule. I have a friend who spends hours and hours every day after sixth form doing different clubs and classes and still manages to text me back or Facebook message me. Social Media was invented so that people could keep in touch with one another when they can't be face to face. However, it isn't an excuse to never go and see your friends or family. You should always at least try and see the people you love. They'd do the same for you. I don't mean 'try' i mean try. There's no reason why you can't set aside five minutes in a day to face time or Skype or message your friends/family.

10. Laugh. Laughing is as they say 'the best medicine'. It can get people through the worst of times and encourages some of the best of times. It produces endorphin's that are known for the happiness you feel and that's what people need. Happiness. Many people go through periods of time where they feel distressed, depressed and over all unhappy. Many people feel it for longer than others and are in fact diagnosed with mental conditions, such as depression because of the lack of happiness. But laughing helps, or at least that's what is thought to help. Everyone in this world deserves happiness, even the worst of people should at least be a little happy. It's a human right, it's a necessity of life.

11. Ignore people who can't accept you as who you are. There will always be people around who cannot accept who you are or as they are more commonly known 'haters'. Don't let them get you down and definitely don't let them change you into their ideals. Society is fraught with people who expect a certain look and attitude from people and drags down those who don't conform to that. People who are different to the social norm are looked at in a negative light and it doesn't help people be more positive about their life and how they chose or don't chose to live it.

Extra special number 12. Talk to people. You wouldn't know how many times I've gone through something on my own that I've really struggled with and thought i should talk to someone, from being bullied to my own self-harming problem. But i didn't, well in the case of my self-harming  not for a while, but once i was able to talk to someone i felt better, stronger and i think it's what is helping me to stop, to carry on without something i needed. People are always prepared to talk to you, whether it's a family member, a friend or just a stranger in the street. People want to help.
Below I've posted the websites and in some cases numbers to helplines, to services which can help in specific categories. Keep them, you never know when you or someone you know will need them.

Family Problems:
Family Lives
Support Line
Parenting
Get Connected
Barnardos
Elder Wisdom Circle

Suicidal:
United Kingdom - 08457-90-90-90
America - 1800-7848-433
Ireland - 44-0-8457-90-90-90
Canada - 519-416-486-2242
Spain - 91-459-00-50
Mexico - 525-510-2550
France - 01-45-39-4000
Germany - 0800-181-0721
China - 852-2382-0000
Russia - 8-20-222-82-10
Poland - 52-70-000
Denmark - 70-201-201
Finland - 040-5032-199
Norway - 47-815-33-3000
New Zealand - 4-473-9739
Sweden- 031-711-2400
South Africa - 0981-322-322
Thailand - 02-249-9977
Switzerland - 143
Brazil - 21-233-9191
Italy - 06-705-4444
India - 92-22-307-3451
Egypt - 7621602
Holland - 0900-0767
Japan - 3-5286-90-90
Philippines - 02-896-9-91
Cyprus - 357-77-77-72-67
Argentina - 54-0223-493-0430

Grief Support:
America- 1-650-321-5272
United Kingdom - 0800-9177-416

Sexuality Support:
Support Line
America - 1-800-246-7743
United Kingdom - 01708-7565200
LLGS - United Kingdom - 0300-330-0630

Eating Disorders:
America - 7-847-831-3438
United Kingdom - 01494 793223
Beat
Men Get Eating Disorders Too
Young Minds
Overeaters Anonymous

Sexual Assault and Rape:
America - 1-800-656-4673
United Kingdom - Rape Crisis Centre - 01708-765200
                             - Female - 0808-8000-123
                             - Male - 0808-8000-122
Rape Crisis

Domestic Violence :
United Kingdom - 0345 023 468
America - 1-800-799-7233
This is Abuse

Alcoholics:
America - 1-888-554-2627
United Kingdom - 0300-123-1110
Alcohol Concern

Drug Abuse:
America - 1-800-662-4357
United Kingdom - Frank  - 0300-123-6600
Drug Penalties in the UK

If there are anymore that could be added, please don't hesitate to tell me about them and i can add them to the list.

Thank you all very much for reading. I hope this helps you and gives you the advice that you need as well as perhaps even some encouragement to get help and to go along with my eleven tips. As well as the numbers and websites above, if anyone ever needs to talk to someone you can get in touch with my through the links below.

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The Month Update!

After my holiday i have returned. I'm so excited to tell you all everything that happened in the past month or so.

Starting with my holiday to New York City in America (of course). I arrived at JFK at around 9am on July 31st and honestly i did absolutely nothing for the following three days but lay in bed and watch really crap TV (sorry america but your television some how wasn't as good as i expected it to be), but after the three days of me getting over jet lag and a mild case of the flu i was up and running and explored. I went quite a few places in NYC and i can tell anyone who hasn't been that YOU HAVE TO GO. From visiting the usual local attractions such as the Empire State Building in Manhattan to the beauty that is St. Patrick's Cathedral. I did however have two areas that i wanted to visit that the last time i went (when i was 6) i wasn't all that interested in going to or even realised the existence of. Number One was of course the famous 'Central Park' i mainly wanted to go there because of my ever growing obsession with 'Friends' and also because it's such a cute area. The second place i really wanted to visit wasn't actually in New York, but in New Jersey which if i remember correctly was only about 2 hours away in the car. A lot of people have seen and heard of it, 'Carlos Bakery'. I've sort of grown up watching it on the TV in the form of Cake Boss with the head of it called 'Buddy'. But yeah those where the two places i really wanted to see and i finally got to do so and it was amazing to have that opportunity. Whilst i was away however, we did get some horrible news which caused for an early exit out of America and back into the UK. Unfortunately, my favourite uncle had a stroke one day in early August and as we were out of the country it took a while to hear about it. Our fortnight stay was reduced to just a week before we made a hasty exit to look after my uncle. Once we got home we found out that there were many more complications than just the usual stroke, he'd also had a bleed to the brain, which was the reasoning behind his stroke and at the same time had a cluster of ulcers which made it had for him to eat and well, the opposite of eat. However, i am happy to announce that he is now living with my family and I and doing fine, he recently had an endoscopy which is where they place a camera down your throat and the results are that his ulcers are clearing up and he should be back to normal in that department within a couple of weeks. We are currently looking for a bungalow near my family and i for him to live in so that we can be close to him so he has a possibility of round the clock care. Thankfully, he is now feeling much better and should if all goes to plan and his rehabilitation goes well should be back on his feet by the end of the year.
My third piece of news is so good. As you well know i applied for university back in January and i can happily announce I GOT MY GRADES and in September i will be attending my first choice of university, which was in fact Sunderland. I received a D in Sociology, a C in Media Studies and a C in English Literature which enables me to get into both of the universities i accepted. I am also happy to announce that all of my friends have been accepted into university and all will be attending whether it be next year as they have gone through deferred entry or if it's at the same time as me which is in September of this year.
My fourth piece of good news is that my brother, who is hard working and dedicated will in September be starting a full time job as LSA, which means learning support assistant. He'll be working at the local college (New College Durham) and will finally be able to quit the job that he hates; working in Tesco.
Earlier in July i got a job, which at the end of July i quit. Which to me is funny. There are reasons i quit mainly that management were arseholes and they never offered me shifts despite the fact i made myself available to them. But i got a one of payment of £40 and although it is spent i do have some kind of experience in sales now.
We successfully moved my second uncle into a disability approved bungalow where is is now comfortably living and despite the fact he has terminal Motor Neuron Syndrome he is expected to live comfortably to at least the end of the year, which is both a blessing and a curse as although he should be okay till the end of the year he's still suffering in more than one way.
I would like to say a massive thank you to everyone who has helped over the past couple of months, doctors, nurses, house help, my friends and my family. I know i haven't been the greatest help, well in fact i've been a nuisance but i do thank you and i'm deeply appreciative. I can't believe that after heaven only knows how much studying and pain myself and my friends are able to get into university and for at least the next year most of us are going to be near each other.
I couldn't ask for more helpful and considerate friends because they've helped me get through a lot this academic year, from the death of my grandmother, to the attempt at suicide my father made a few months back  (specific shout out for Joanna right there, i know you read this). I'm so grateful and if i could i'd buy each of you the world.
I do have another piece of news which i hate to actually think about. Earlier in the month whilst we were busy seeing to my uncle we received a phone call from my step-brother wanting to reach out and get back in touch with my family. The reason i don't like to think about it is down to the fact that as a person he is disgusting, for reasons i might go into on another post but he is my step-father's son and i have to go with what he wants.
Thank you all very much for reading.

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Change

Change can occur at any time in a person's life and sometimes its easy and sometimes it's difficult to deal with. Everyone has had that one thing that they just don't want to change and it could be something as simple as they don't want to have to use a new password on their blog because they forgot their old one... that is definitely not a personal example. Okay, maybe it is. Or it could be something major like the death of a loved one and the change which results in such a tragic occurrence. The change i'm more accustomed with is more of a transitional change. Where nothing really does change accept the way you're feeling and the environment you're surrounded with.
Recently, i went on holiday with my friends from school. The people i went with mean a lot to me, we've been through all sorts of stuff both individually and as a group and we've done it together. Which, means that we have quite a strong bond, something many others don't have. My mother always tells me that a person may have a hundred friends but not one loyal to them, yet another may have only three and them all loyal. I look at my close knit and small friend circle to be like that, at least i hope it's like that. The reason i'm bringing this up is because of why we went on holiday together. As i mentioned in my last post; I'm back, i finished exams and furthermore finished school. Our holiday was an attempt to create new and better memories for when we're no longer together again, and i promise you i will definitely remember the past three days with the six greatest people in my life. From the entry of our little temporary home, which seriously at one point everyone called it home, when we saw the sign welcoming us, to the final night where i saw a lot more of my friends than i ever expected, and finally the last goodbye. It's not going to be the last goodbye obviously, we'll all see each other at least two times more before we all depart for university, but it's different somehow. That's the last time we'll be together for a long amount of time, presumably. I mean next year we might do it all again, stay in the same cabin, sleep in the same beds and laugh at the same jokes and funny faces. Take pictures in the exact same positions and see how much we've all changed in just one year, or maybe we'll forget about it. Maybe it will become a distant memory that will only come forward in our minds when we're scrolling through old photographs and see it. The picture of us all under the welcome sign smiling like we've won the lottery, the picture of us all in the cafe that sold the dream catchers and nobody liked the schmoo chocolate milkshakes, the picture of us all sat around the dining room style table bottles of vodka and cider surrounding us but we don't care that we all look tired and some of us look drunk because it's our holiday and we spent it the way we wanted to.
I wanted to write about change, because it's a big part of life, and it's something we have to learn to accept. I'm going to have to accept that i'm never going to be with my friends in the way i have been for 5+ years. I'm going to have to accept that, that chapter of my life is over now and i have to move forward because although it won't be the same i'll always have the memories of it. Every time i look at my prefect badge or my old school blazer badge, i'll remember the countless lunch times i spent joking around and making a fool of myself. The multiple accidental insults and the countless intentional insults. They'll always be there just not present.
Perhaps after everything we should just remember the famous quote by Eleanor Roosevelt; Yesterday is History, Tomorrow is a Mystery, and Today is a gift; that's why they call it the present. Because after all if it wasn't for the present there would be no past, no memories and nothing to change.
Thank you all very much for reading.

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I'm back!!!!!

I took quite a long hiatus from here, in order to focus on my studies but exams are over and i'm back.
So i thought, first of all i'd bring everyone up to speed on what has been happening in my life since the last time i wrote a post.
So to start of with i finally finished my exams. I am now completely done with obligatory education. It was actually weird when i said bye to the sixth form receptionist, like i felt as though i should say goodbye to the school at the same time. It's funny how we think about things, i spent seven years waiting to get out of that place and now, literally a day after I've left i want back in and to start all over again. I wouldn't change a thing about the time I've spent there though, i have a group of amazing friends who are so brave and so amazing that i don't regret the bad decision i'd made before i met them. That alongside the fact that i'm so much more in the know on things now than if i would've been if i hadn't made the bad decisions or befriended the wrong people, means that i don't have to look back and think about the things that happened in a negative light. As my A-Level English class would understand and probably lynch me for, i can now look back and think nostalgically on the time i spent in not only the sixth form but also the lower school.
Another thing that happened since i last made any form of a post is I went to see Mrs Brown's Boys Live, which honestly was horrendous. It wasn't the performance of the cast that was terrible, because they were amazing and hats of to them all they put on a great performance and my mother (who we went for because it was her 50th birthday present, Happy early Birthday Mam!) but it was more the people whom surrounded me. I have never in my life been surrounded by such an awkward and if i may say so slightly obnoxious crowd. One guy was talking the entire time, which would annoy me anyway, but he was so loud and he was sat right behind me. Another older gentlemen, if i can call him that, was laughing so loud at times you couldn't hear the performance which was taking place just a few feet away. That alongside the fact that he was saying every second line after the actor as if it was the best thing in his life. I mean i'm all for enjoying yourself, that;s the whole point of a live performance but there's enjoyment and then there's faking it and this guy, he was for sure faking it. So then the third thing which made this one of the worst nights of my life, i mean i'd have rather been watching eastenders and i don't even like eastenders, is my mam's incessant coughing. Okay, i admit it this is probably the bitchiest thing ever to say but it was sooooo annoying. My mother, like most woman reaching 50 is going through that time in her life when things 'change' and so she keeps on getting these hot flushes which activate this sense that seems to scream 'COUGH LIKE YOU'VE NEVER COUGHED BEFORE' therefore i missed quite a lot of what the actors where saying and quite a few of the jokes because she was coughing in my ear. So there i was already annoyed to hell with this live performance when oh look there, late comers. Where o where do you think the late comers were sat? if you guessed beside my brother who was on the other side of my mam you'd be right. Meaning... we all had to stand up to let these ignoramuses through. So once i'd gotten into a comfy position i had to stand and allow the people who'd rocked up almost 45 minutes late in. Then to top the whole night off, the people who were sat beside me, didn't even show the fact they were enjoying the gig. The spent the whole night hands on laps and straight faced. They could have at least clapped when the rest of the audience did. If you don't like what you're going to see don't go.
On the plus side, i did get to do something i'd enjoy whilst i was away. I got to see my brother band practice again. A couple months ago, i went to see them practice as well as take some photographs for my media studies coursework, i.e. i pretty much had a hidden agenda. But this time it was purely to watch them rock out and rock out they did. Like, seriously they were amazing, the fact that after there own break (lack of funding purposes) and when they returned they sounded as if they'd been practicing together for years. On this trip, we went adventuring. Which, as people who have been on this blog before and/or know me in real life will know i'm not really one for going out on an adventure, but I think that may have changed after that day. We went into this secluded woodland area and it was so beautiful, the sun was beating down on the five of us and the greenery was so pretty. I didn't want to leave. We found this quite large pond and it was actually clear, like there was no murkiness to the water, which is unusual in the UK, especially Durham. There was shade to the area because of the tall trees which meant we weren't too hot. It was literally such a beautiful place. I climbed a couple trees, which i'd never done before and will probably never do again as when i was about two thirds the way up, i realised i don't like heights. So that was cool. But it was such a beautiful area that i'd never seen before and i was surprised it was so nice.
The Fourth thing i wanted to tell everyone about is that *drum-roll* I GOT A JOB!!! After a total of three years of looking for a job i finally found one. Paying £6.50 an hour and at least 8 hours a week, so i'm really happy about it. Not only that but i'll be working alongside one of my friends, Natalie. Which means that i'll never be alone or not have company of sorts and my boss, Amy is so nice and friendly so i'm happy and can't wait to start tomorrow for future references that is the 20th June 2015.
So since the last time i wrote a post, i decided to keep a 'memories jar' where i place a small piece of paper with a memory and the date written on it, fold it into quarters and place it into this jar. So for example, i wrote 'Last A-level exam 18.06.15' on one. So far I've put 22 inside the jar and there are many more to come.
Another thing which is awesome is that a friend of mine from a while back, whom left for Australia back in 2009 (ish), is returning to the UK. So on the Friday of her return we're all meeting up with her, and i can't wait for it.
A third thing is after many years of trying to have a social life of sorts I've finally made it (sort of) my brothers friend and band mate have invited me and a friend to a house warming party. Which is Mexican themed and i'll get a sombrero on entry, which is so cool.
My ever expanding love of music has also recently struck in the form of two new musical artists. Both of which are american, one is a solo artist and one of them is a band. Halsey, also known as Ashley Frangipane and Against the Current, made up of Chrissy Constanza, Dan Gow and Will Ferri. The two acts are from completely different genres, Halsey being more indie and ATC being more pop rock. But the point is their music is amazing and i suggest people go and check them out, especially if you're into bands like the 1975 or the Neighbourhood, In the case of Halsey and 5 Seconds of Summer, All Time Low and We Are The In Crowd in the case of Against the Current.
Recently, my friends and I decided we'd like to go on holiday together, as a sort of last goodbye you could argue. We decided on a date, a place and everything we're going to do when we're there. I'm kind of sad that we've done it all, not because i don't want to spend time with all my friends but that's it means it's real. I've never really been one for goodbyes and this means that we will have to say goodbye and that there's a chance we won't see each other again, not the way we would normally. It frightens me that there's a possibility none of our friendships will ever be the same again. Using my brother as an example, when he went away to university him and his friends all had the intentions of staying in touch and being close like they always had been, but after a short while they stopped talking the way they had. The fact that it could happen to me and the people I've spent pretty much 5 days a week with for the past six years.
Putting aside the soppiness that just happened, i'm glad to return to blogging and i hope that you'll all enjoy my future posts.
Thank you all very much for reading.

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Music Taste

Much like my other posts i had an anon on tumblr ask me to do this post. I didn't think that my music tastes would be such a problem but apparently to some they are.

Music is defined by a person's own tastes, so some may find that they like a specific genre more than another, some may find they cannot stand one genre and some may find that they like everything equally. Some may find that they only like Classical and others may only like Death-core. But the point remains it is all down to the individuals preference.
Personally, i am a fan of most music i could happily sit down and listen to the latest the vamps track and then follow it up with listening to some old school Suicide Silence. But my tastes have differed in the past and most probably will in the future, it's natural. My tastes when i was a young kid, were the weirdest. Like i said previously in my posts i've been a fan of AC-DC from a young age, it's the same with Metallica and Iron Maiden, i grew up appreciating classic rock and heavy metal bands because of my step-father's influence. But at the same time i was into popular music. I'd happily listen to Aqua singing 'Barbie Girl'. When Busted came out, it was a somewhat revelation, they were a big thing when i was young, still are now but back then Charlie Simpson was a member and my favourite member to be exact. I've always had a thing about blondes, i guess that's one of the reasons i like Luke Hemmings so much. Anyway, we're deviating from the point. This was the age i started to use music as a somewhat escape. A lot of stuff happened when i was younger and one of those was my biological parents divorce. Although, now-a-days it's quite a normal thing back in the early 2000s it was still something of a deviated social norm and was still frowned upon a little. Especially in my home town because most people were still in their relationships abusive or not. Because of this i'd started to get bullied, there was this one boy in particular, Toby. He was this large kid who every lunch time would look for me in the playground. I can't remember the amount of times i'd go home with a bruised abdominal area because this kid thought he was a big man hitting a female child. Months later my brother had found out and beat him up for me, it turned out he was getting hit by his father and was taking it out on several young girls at our school. But because of this i'd turned to music, like many kids before and after me. The lyrics allowed my mind to wander away from the problems i was facing, but at the same time allowed me to confront them and it was nice, I was in control. Well, of some things. I'd remained quite steady with my musical tastes for years after that, i was still bullied now and again, but i always thought that was natural. I wasn't so much into music when i reached my pre-teen years. I was more of the social type i used to spend a lot of time out with my best friend (at the time, since then i realised how much of a manipulating whore she is and we fell out). But once i got to around 13 i really got into music, and it was bad. I started to go through weird phases where i'd be low one day and feeling on top of the world the next. This was when i discovered bands i'd never even thought i'd like. Bands such as Bring Me The Horizon and Asking Alexandria and it was great, their lyrics were basically how i was feeling at that time and since then i've been an avid fan of them. Always listening to their latest tracks and albums.
I'm not sure that this has really explained my taste in music, i can't really explain it. It's just something that through time i've had. There's always a natural progression in life, whether it be from simply growing up or something in your time has changed your view and you become more attracted to a specific aspect within music your tastes are forever changing and its something that people need to embrace. I got into the bands i listen to because of time and change, i don't know why or how i could like both ACDC and One Direction at once but then again how can someone like Ice Cream and Chili Heatwave Doritos?  So i'm sorry anons if there isn't a specific answer to the questions you posed i just don't have them.
 Thank you all very much for reading.

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Also, i recently got a Flickr account where i post pictures of places i've been and things i've done so go check that out if you want to.

Problematic Families

I received two asks on my Tumblr within the space of a week about family, and i think it's time to talk about it.

Families are very tricky things to discuss, everyone's family is different but i can most certainly tell you one thing. Every family has problems. Whether it be that you have an aunt who's into drugs or your cousin is a sex addict. Perhaps your father has been incarcerated or your niece has severe depression, every family will have that one hidden secret that only the family knows about. Some families, much like my own have several. Dozens of problems that can make or can break the family. Recently, my family faced a massive problem when they found out about something i was doing which i'm ashamed about and regret ever doing it but i did and i have to face up to that. For a while, just over a year i'd been purposely self-harming. Again, i do not condone this behavior and if you are feeling like this at all please talk to someone my contact details will be at the bottom of this post if you feel you don't want to talk to a professional or a family member etc. When my family found out it was a massive shock to the system for them, tears and anger a plenty. But we did get through that day of course it was a huge hiccup in the relationships between sister and brother, daughter and mother and even the partnership between my mother and step-father. But with communication we got through it. That is my first tip for everyone when it comes to family. Communication is key, if you don't talk to your parents, there's no way they can know how you're feeling. No one is an open book and although you may portray your emotions not everyone understands the signs. So the best option is to talk, whether it's about something like your day or if you're feeling like you're in danger of yourself. It's important that you have that free communication.
My second tip is trust. Something which my family lacked for many years after my step-brother left. He was the mainly problematic member of my family, with his wild attitude and want for danger and rebellion, it meant that anyone who could be under his influence wasn't really trusted much. Which was myself and my older brother. Neither my mother nor my step-father really trusted me for a while because you could argue i was going through that typical 'rebellious teenager' phase, where you don't go to bed until you want to and you don't go to the place you'd been told to stay at. There's this little park near my home that myself and one of my friends used to go to every time we hung out together but my mum didn't like it so she told me it was banned, i still went of course and that resulted in multiple groundings until eventually i learnt my lesson.
My third tip is to try and forget the problems until you need to think about them. It may sound stupid but it's actually really good. See people retain their problems for an amount of time which is over the top. You need to be able to let go and think of other things. Many other things are important, so for example if you're about to sit exams focus on those rather than the fact you think your parents might be splitting up, it means that although there is still the chance at least at the current time you're distracted by something other than the problem.
My family life is pretty messed up, i live in a group of four, my mother, step-father, brother and then myself and although we get along quite well, there is running problems within us. Stuff that cannot be helped. My step-father for example, he has bi-polar disorder as well as severe depression, some days he feels like the world is against him and talks about suicide and others he feels like the world is with him and talks about his and my mothers upcoming nuptials. His past has influenced his present and his future much like mine and my brothers. My brother lives with anger problems, he lives with constant anger because of what happened to us. My mother is probably the strongest one of us all, as the only 'problems' she has with her are stress and age related. Then there's me, because of my past mixed with my present and future i have problems that i hate to admit to. This is where tip number 5 comes in, don't do this. Don't keep things to yourself, linking in with communication it's best to talk to people. You shouldn't have to face things alone, it't not healthy and can lead to things getting worse and no one wants that. The repression of problems can cause dangerous side effects for example; high blood pressure, an experiment from way back in 1988 proved that people who repressed any emotional turmoil had a higher blood pressure than those who are highly anxious (repression article). So please don't do this, think about your health and the health of those around you.
Many people forget something when they see the problems that their families are going through, and that is that no matter what your family will love you. There are seven kinds of love; Eros (which is romantic or sexual), Agape (love of humanity, contributing), Philia (feelings part of a group/team), Ludus (playful, fun and exciting love), Philautia (self-love, bigging yourself up, being kind to self), Pragma (Love that endures/being there) and Storge (family love. Relations or very close friendship) this love is also known as unconditional, meaning that no matter what you do you will always be loved or you will always love. Although families do fit into several of those categories the main one that people see is Storge otherwise known as unconditional. So whenever you're thinking of a problem that your family is going through think of that.
I cannot say a lot about a lot of things, because i'm not sure on a lot of things. Although my family is problematic we're it in different ways to most, all i can really say is be positive and talk things through with whoever you want or can. I don't know what it's like to have a family member imprisoned and i don't know what it's like to have a mother or father die. But i know a lot about other things, divorce, abuse etc. are things that i'm in knowledge of but please don't hesitate to talk to me about anything, at all it doesn't even have to be related to the topic of problematic families. People are here to help for a reason, and those reasons should be taken advantage of (in the right ways). Below will be several wesbites for companies and organisations who can help with family problems, and honestly, i'm sorry to anyone who is going through anything at the moment. Keep your head up high and talk to people.

Family Lives
Support Line (these are really good, and i would recommend fully)
Parenting
Get Connected
Barnardos
Elder Wisdom Circle

I really hope this has helped the two anons from Tumblr, as i hope it has helped anyone else. Thank you all very much for reading.

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Fashion Sense

I'm sorry it's been so long since my last post, I know I said I'd post every Monday but I forgot my password and it wasn't until one of my good old pals told me I could still log in because of all this complicated computer jargon (if she's reading this... Bruh... Bruh... Looking fine af as per).

If you've read My First Blog Post you'll know how my fashion sense is rather different from what is considered normal. Someone sent an ask to my tumblr account, which i thought was insanely cute so yeah, i decided that for this lovely anonymous messenger i will do this post.

So into it we go. Honestly, I never really intended to have such a different taste in what i wear, as a child i grew up wearing girly clothing you know dresses and skirts which blew in the light summer breeze. Then i turned about 12 maybe 13 and i realised i wasn't into that stuff. So, from then i kind of became what was commonly known as a tom boy. Skinny jeans weren't really a thing back then, the only people who really wore then were full on 'Emo's' and no one really wanted to be labelled as that as it was totally socially unacceptable, so instead it was more a case of 'straight cut' jeans, where the material would just so skim the leg. Obviously, when I discovered the beauty of skinny jeans at I'm guessing around 14, maybe 15 it was as I was the founder of sliced bread. I still stuck to popular fashion for a while even after my discovery of not wanting to wear what everyone else did and not wanting to be that stereotypical girl. My parents, at first weren't very accepting of what they thought to just be a phase so my mother, especially, would buy me clothes that weren't what I wanted and i'd still wear them. Shirts that were pink, at one point I owned a very fashionable skort (skirt and short combination) which was honestly in fashion when I wore it. I think 16 was when I fully came into my own fashion wise. My mum had finally given in to my alternative dress demands, and just like before my dad didn't care about what I wore as long as I was comfortable. So, I would go to more alternative stores 'Dot Blacks' etc. I bought a pair of Doc Martens and wore them like they were my religion. It happened slowly at first then all at once, that's a saying I've heard said hundreds of times and I've never used until now. 

Acquiring my fashion sense was somewhat strange, most people gradually enter some form of a mind set where they want to dress that way, or they're inspired by a model or family member perhaps. Not me, of course. My method, the way I got into the alternative clothing scene? Well, let me tell you a little story. Back in April (I don't actually know the month, I made it up but April's a nice month so we'll stick with that) 2009 my brother was a massive fan of the British music magazine 'Kerrang!' and would often bring it home and show me, by this time I'd been into some alt. artists like All Time Low, You Me At Six and Paramore so it was kind of our thing to look through the magazine. I'd seen an image of Gerard Way on one of the glossy pages and was intrigued, my brother always tells me that I thought he was good looking and I stand by my initial interpretation of him. I can't remember exactly what he was wearing but knowing his style it was something super Emo. That wasn't why I got into it though, that was just the beginning of my almost minor obsession with the dress sense of genuine rock stars. Like I previously mentioned I was into Paramore, their lead singer Hayley Williams was at the time my idol (now I find her annoying and bitchy (especially after what she said about Luke Hemmings last year because he wore a band shirt by a band which he liked but she didn't believe that because she's an insufferable little turd)) anyway, that's not the point. I started to look at her fashion more closely, that is when I got into alternative fashion. I loved the colours and the general look of it really. Is never seen someone pull that kind of thing off before but I loved it. It wasn't her who got me into the fashion in was the colours which for someone whom now wears pretty much all black is odd. 

Like I said, it was still quite a while after that before I actually started to dress the way I wanted and even now I don't get to  dress exactly the way I want because I don't have the money too but I'm somewhere along the lines, band shirts and skinny jeans that's all any of us need.  

Of course, there are down sides to my sense of style, the way I dress is ridiculed of course. Wearing a tattoo choker around my home town isn't exactly what people normally wear and although there are many people who do there still a higher ratio in favour to those who don't. My family are a major contributor to my torment especially on consideration to my clothing, phrases like; 'what are you wearing it looks like you've spray painted those jeans on' and 'I don't know why you go out looking like that, why don't you wear a dress. Dresses are always nice. I wore a dress to a concert when I was your age.' In case you didn't realise those aren't generic statements they're genuinely what my mother and step-father have told me, the second statement was something she told me last Sunday just before I went to a Lower Than Atlantis concert with a group of friends. She'd decided to lecture me on what I was wearing five minutes before my bus was due. Nevertheless, I carry on wearing what I want to (within reason) or as Fitzgerald says 'so we beat on boats against the current borne back ceaselessly into the past' (good old AS English Literature coming into fruition right there). 

I have a few pearls of wisdom when it comes to clothing, I mean I'm 18 so of course I do. 

1. Wear what makes you comfortable. Don't wear what's fashionable if it doesn't make you feel comfy, what would be the point? 

2. Being different is okay, everyone has different opinions and if your opinion differs from everyone else's that doesn't matter, you'll look hot af anyway. 

3. Clothing is essential, revealing skin is okay but revealing too much can land you in a cell so maybe put on a sweater?

4. You're beautiful in whatever you wear. Got chunky legs but want to wear a skirt, shorts or skinny jeans/trousers. Wear them, boys and girls just wear them at the end of the day if you didn't like them then don't wear them again, if you did like them ignore anyone who says you don't look amazing because honestly take it from someone in the same position you do and you probably always will. 

5. Don't spend out of your range. If you need to shop on a budget do it. What does it matter if you don't have the latest trends all the time, at the end of the day you'll have the clothing you need rather than the clothing that's 'in' at that point, guess what trends change but you'll always need clothes. 

6. Where it when you want to wear it. I've seen so many people complain about how people wear summer clothing in winter and vice versa. What does it matter, if he wants to wear shorts in December it's his own choice maybe he's doing something where shorts are needed or maybe he just wants to wear them. She wants to wear thermal socks in July, good on her it's always cold in the UK at least she's keeping her tootsies warm. 

7. This is probably the only critical thing I'll say, band shirts. I'm guilty of this, I use to do it quite a lot. Don't judge someone by the band on their shirt by this I mean I someone has a bad on their shirt which you don't actually believe they listen to don't call it out, you could be wrong. Think about it, if you know that the specific person doesn't like that band and/or musician or they've never listened to them then sure that's grounds to call it out but otherwise you don't know what that persons into. I mean no one would have thought 9 year old me would be into AC/DC but I was so...

8. If you think someone doesn't look good or doesn't suit what they're wearing either tell them to their face POLITELY or just keep your thoughts to yourself. There's nothing worse than leaving the house thinking 'omg I feel beautiful' only to have some imbecile snigger about what you're wearing. I'm guilt of this and having had it done to me I understand how it felt when I did it to someone, now I try not to do it. Sure sometimes it can slip out but seriously try and control it, it really hurts people. 
9. Don't try and live up to someone else's expectations, if your parents make you wear stuff that you don't like after you're a certain age stand up and tell them. I spent a while dressing in a way i didn't want to because i was to afraid to tell my parents i didn't want to wear those clothes and it was so elf demolishing so please don't do it. Stand up to your parent and tell them, i don't want to wear that i want to wear this. Same principle to friends, if your friends are pressuring you into wearing something you don't want to do say no. If they're your true friends they won't mind.
Finally, 10. Don't underestimate the power of clothing, the way you dress is a massive insight into who you are, for example a person who wears band shirts all the time is clearly defined as a music enthusiast, but depending on those bands can be labelled as 'weird', 'dysfunctional' and others which i don't care to say. So, when you are deciding what to wear, to be truly confident you are going to have to ignore people, unfortunately and i'm not sure if i've already said this people are ignorant and assholes so they're going to voice their opinion in some way against or for what you're wearing and you will have to develop somewhat of a thick skin so that these comments don't hurt you.

I hope this is what you asked for beautiful anon, and i hope that my ten top tips can help some people and not seem to harsh or rude or anything like that. I hope everyone has a great week and again i apologise for not updating sooner.
Also, i remembered my password for my kik account so you can message me on their too now, Thank you all very much for reading.

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The First Post

Well howdy (hand rainbow wave)
My name is Becca and i'm a pretty typical British teenager really. I love tea, i say sorry even when it's not my fault and i complain about the weather a lot. In all honesty the weather here is astonishingly terrible. i decided to set up a brand new blog with a brand new title to well... basically do nothing and do something all at the same time.
I recently turned 18, which was fun for me. It wasn't your typical 'OMG you're finally a fully grown woman and can do anything you want as it is all legal in this country' kind of deal. It was more the 'you're seriously that much of a nerd that on the day you became legally allowed to drink alcoholic beverages you decided to read 'Harry Potter and the Philosophers Stone' for the millionth time in three hours (that was including time to eat and drink).' But that's the kind of person i am, i'm not the most conventional of people, with my fashion sense, my music taste or even my the way i think about people and places.
I'm about to finish my final year at sixth form which is formidable and amazing. It worries me that in just a few months i'll be out of that comfort zone that I've created with a scheduled timetable, being in the same space everyday for seven years and knowing everyone to walk through the doors. But, moving away whether it be in the same place for university or moving away to another part of the country i think i'd still be just as apprehensive about all of it.

Like I mentioned previously I'm into non-conventional music. I suppose you could say that anyway. I do like some mainstream but most of my music taste revolves around alternative. For example, I'd much rather listen to the latest Bring Me the Horizon track than the latest Union J track (I had to google who they were when I saw the pop charts- we'll not talk about that shall we?). But that doesn't mean I'm not a fan of certain popular musicians, Ed Sheeran for example, I'm a huge fan of his. His lyrics, his vocals, his guitar playing. He in general is just pure perfection (is my fangirl showing?) 5 Seconds of Summer a band which are in the pop charts which I'm also a fan of. I love a lot of their songs, sure some of them are repetitive (mainly because I've heard them so many times) but I'm still a big fan. Sadly to say, I like some of One Direction's tunes.Their  latest album I found to be their best yet and honestly, I've listened to it maybe 2 or 3 hundred times (I'm joking) but the point is I do mainly like alternative music. 

My fashion sense was another thing I mentioned previously. This again is deviant from the popular culture ways, although recently the way I dress has become quite fashionable. I dress in a way people may consider grunge meets punk meets I'm really strapped for cash at the moment. Which basically means I wear over-sized band shirts with 90s grunge plaid shirts and ripped skinny jeans. Usually with Converse or army style boots. Which I suppose you could argue isn't very much like the cropped tops and tight skirts which are seen as fashionable. 

I would say I had quite a dark sense of humour. You know the kind when old people fall over in the street you almost wet yourself with laughter. That's me. Or the one where if your friend falls down the stairs in school you laugh before helping them back up again. It's probably not a good thing to have but I have it. I haven't always had it. It kind of developed through the influence of my step-dad. I'm definitely the sort of person who when you're sleeping would shave off your eyebrows or shave something into your hair (not on your head that's going too far even by my standards) but if you're a guy I'd check that all your leg hair is still there. Also, I draw a lot of dicks for being a chick. Like way too many to the point where myself and one of my friends on a day trip to London with our AS English Literature class decided to draw Penis' (I'm not sure on the plural for the male sexual organ) on our only male friend's arm in eyeliner whilst he slept. 

As I'm currently in my final year of sixth form (that's Senior year to anyone who wanted to know) I'm currently going through some pretty cool and weird things. Yearbooks are one of them. It's the first time or ever done one, which I think is mainly why it's so strange as questions like 'who is the most likely to end up in prison' aren't things I think about in my daily life. So it's been a struggle figuring out how to answer without a) offending or b) cussing. Another really annoying thing was trying to find a photo of myself where I didn't look terrible, see I have this thing where I physically cannot take a serious picture. They're literally all ridiculously messed up on so many levels, so finding one where I didn't have a purpose double chin or I'm not cross eyed was... Difficult. I did end up finding a photo of myself which was okay, I suppose. But there was difficulty with that as I have my hand covering my mouth and it was taken in a Huey kind of lighting needless to say, it's tough luck because there are literally no other and definitely no better photographs of me. 

I do have my faults... Obviously. I mean I have a bit of an obsession with tumblr, I'm on most of the day and lord help my followers when one of my favourite musical artists has released new music because I will re-blog the shit out of them posts (I advise you take this seriously). Then of course there's my music problem, I really like music. Like more than is normal, I listen to it when I sleep. I'm not joking when I say that, I sleep with my headphones in and if you previously thought it was impossible to sleep whilst listening to metal or punk rock you are so darn wrong because I do every night. I listen through my headphones when I'm in class a lot of the time too, my hair's really long so I'm able to hide the cord quite easily. In the last ten years I can count the number of times I haven't listened to music on my own two hands which is something not a lot of people are able to say. I'm also a bit of a photography buff. I really enjoy taking photos, I don't enjoy being in them but taking them is an all together different thing. I like the ability of expression through the eye of a lens, it's been something which has intrigued me for a while and since getting my own camera I've even able to picture things that wouldn't have been seen otherwise. 
I have so many problems though, I mean I'm someone who literally cannot look at a photo where there is a tile the wrong colour to the other however many as it makes me feel sick to my stomach. I suppose so you could say i'm slightly OCD, i try not to be but unfortunately i'm that level of weird where even everyday things bug me. So there's a little about me, i really hope you all enjoy my blog, as i'm sure it's going to be loads of fun to create, thinking of new subjects weekly (which is when i intend to update - hopefully that'll plan out right), being able to actually write as for an English student and an English person i'm terrible at English. Also, i'll be leaving links down to my social media so that if anyone wants to get in touch it's simple and easy to do so. I'm always available, and if anyone wants to talk about anything my ask box, DM, PM etc. are always open for you. Some of the issues raised in some of my blog posts may be quite close-to-the-bone and some may seem to be triggering and/or offensive but unfortunately so is life so I do suggest that people understand this and if anything i ever raise makes you feel bad or good or however it may make you feel i do encourage people to talk to me about it and if you want leave comments in the comment box that is usually below these posts. Thank You all very much for reading.

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